There’s a lot of talk about the “selfs” — self-love, self-confidence, self-esteem, and so on — there’s one that often gets put in the backseat. And that’s self-acceptance.
It’s ironic, though, because it’s often the theme of many pop culture movies. Take The Fault In Our Stars, for instance. Hazel Grace Lancaster, though astute and conscientious, kept most people at a distance, knowing her death will ultimately hurt them. That is, until she meets Augustus Waters, who shows her not only the meaning of living life, but how to accept herself for who she truly is.
Like Hazel, many of us find self-acceptance a difficult pill to swallow. And with cancer, it takes an even bigger hit.
But it doesn’t have to be as hard as we make it. While it may be a difficult to swallow, the saying never said it cannot be done *wink*.
So here’s how you can take the steps to accept yourself and find the capacity to move towards the greatest you that you truly are.
What is self-acceptance?
We are who we are — that’s unconditional self-acceptance in a nutshell. It’s being aware of your strengths and weaknesses as well as embracing them in their entirety.
By definition, thanks to Merriam Webster, self-acceptance is “the act or state of understanding and recognizing one’s own abilities and limitations.”
In psychology, it’s defined as “a relatively objective sense or recognition of one’s abilities and achievements, together with acknowledgement and acceptance of one’s limitations,” as per the American Psychological Association.
Additionally, from a historical point of view, the first known use of self-acceptance was in 1885. The concept is a fundamental character strength that contributes to happiness and fulfillment.
In The Strength of Self-Acceptance, different theories (e.g., humanistic and cognitive-behavioral), theologies (e.g., Christianity and Buddhism), and therapies (e.g., cognitive behavioral therapy) has long been viewed as a catalyst for personal development.
Why is self-acceptance important when you have cancer?
Understanding and recognizing your abilities as well as limitations can be a gateway to compassion for yourself, an important emotion when you have a serious condition like cancer. In turn, that can help you heal and creates the opportunity to come into your authentic self.
“We are born with self-acceptance,” says Kristina Mänd-Lahkiani, co-founder of Mindvalley and author of Becoming Flawsome, in an interview on Inspired Evolution. “It’s somewhere later that we learn how to criticize ourselves.”
The hard truth is that we find ourselves moseying along in life, existing at half the potential that we could truly be. And as we progress through our work or relationships, we tend to seek validation from others for the sake of feeling worthy.
Additionally, when we’re disconnected to our intuitive self, we find it hard to believe in genuine caring. When it does come our way, we’re often suspicious of it or we brush it off as something we don’t deserve.
“At some point, it starts blocking us from being happy,” she adds. “We might be more successful. We might be more efficient, more productive, more this, more that, but we are definitely less than what we actually are.”
The dark side of self-acceptance
There’s more to self-acceptance than meets the eye. While it is a catalyst for happiness and self-love, the conundrum is how much of yourself should you accept?
Clinical psychologist Dr. Jordan Peterson brought up this valid point:
The modern idea is that you’re supposed to accept yourself. I think that’s an insane idea — really. I can’t think of a more nihilistic idea than that.
“You’re already okay.” But what if you’re really not? And the reason you’re not is that you could be way more than you are?
When you have cancer, you’re susceptible to toxic thoughts, depression and anxiety. And when these negative emotions and thoughts are constantly repeated and reinforced, you’re essentially training your brain to be that way.
Your brain, then, releases the stress hormones, cortisol and adrenaline as a response to the “fight or flight” mode. When these hormones are constantly at high levels, it can lead to:
- Exhaustion
- Insomnia
- Irritability
- Poor concentration and attention
- Poor memory
Moreover, a study by the University of Reading suggests that “the longer your brain holds on to a negative event, or stimuli, the unhappier you report being.”
So accepting yourself in this state is, as Dr. Peterson puts it, “an insane idea.” It’s not okay to stay here.
Although none of us are immune to negative emotions and thoughts, it’s imperative we find the root cause of it, move past radical self-acceptance, and strive towards being “way more than you are.”
How to practice self-acceptance
Now, the question is how do you practice unconditional self-acceptance? Here are three incredibly helpful tips from the conversation between Kristina and host Amrit Sandhu on Inspired Evolution.
1. Meditate
Meditation helps with mindfulness as it allows you to slow down and be aware of your thoughts, feelings, and sensations.
Amrit brings up the approach of accepting emotions, without judgment, as they come through during the meditation. In his experiences, he explains “it’s been really huge just sitting with my emotions and just sort of going, ‘Okay, what is it that you want to show me’ and ‘Yea, like, I’m not going to just toss you away; I’m actually going to go full exploration into what you are’.”
In doing so, there are plenty of psychological benefits to your well-being that come along with meditating. In fact, research has shown that mindfulness during meditation helps:
- Reduce excessive or intrusive thoughts
- Reduce stress
- Boosts memory
- Improves focus
- Reduce emotional reactivity
- Increase cognitive flexibility
- Improves relationships
As you start to embrace these benefits, you may just find it easier to accept yourself.
2. Stop judging your emotions
It’s human to experience all emotions. But it becomes detrimental to your well-being when we start judging yourself for it.
Here’s an example: as a cancer patient, you may feel angry for having to go through this journey. There’s a chance you may feel guilty for feeling that way because, heck, why should you when you’re still alive. Then, you may start to feel like you’re ungrateful, which can lead to shame. And next thing you know, you’ve spiraled and bashing yourself for, let’s be honest, nothing at all.
Kristina points out that it’s important to dedicate yourself to what you feel instead of worrying about what you feel. She suggests, “Rather than fighting that emotion, you just allow it to be and it changes.”
3. Quality of your awareness
Everything starts with awareness. Associated with meditation and accepting your emotions, it allows you to see and understand things from different perspectives. And in doing so, it frees you from assumptions and biases.
You’re more able to focus on aligning your actions, thoughts, and emotions to your values, passions, aspirations, behaviors, and impact on others. And as opposed to willpower, which is a limited resource, awareness a much greater fuel for your personal growth.
“As you start to accept yourself, your actual awareness of things starts to shift,” says Amrit. “It’s quite palpable.”
More than just a statistic
One of the biggest things I had trouble with when I was diagnosed with cervical cancer is guilt and regret.
What if I didn’t… What if I had done… What if I was more… There were a million “what if’s” that ran through my mind.
I had such difficulty to just accept that this is what happened and that I needed to find a way to move forward. Because, as the saying goes, “you can’t change the past,” right?
Granted, I didn’t go looking for “self-acceptance quotes” or even books on self-acceptance. But gratefully, with my background in the spa and wellness industry, I had picked up on a few tools that helped me be mindful of my self-talk and shift my perspective on the way I thought about myself.
Simple things that have helped
Over the past few years of me being “cancer-free,” I’ve learned a few more helpful tips that I think can help you, too:
- Positive affirmations may seem like something so minute, but it’s incredibly powerful. Marisa Peer, a well-known hypnotherapist, has taught one that I find incredible: “I am enough.” I’ve written on almost all the mirrors in my house just as a reminder for myself (and my family) that I am enough.
- Breathwork is another tool that I never thought about until now. It’s one of the best ways to reduce stress levels. Moreover, the more I’m conscious of my breathing, the more I realize that I’ve been holding in my stomach (which is something many girls apparently do to fit into society’s image of “healthy”).
- Sleep. This might just be obvious, but for someone who has problems sleeping through the night, this is something that I had to make conscious effort on. And currently, I’m taking supplements (ashwaganda, specifically) as well as wearing compression socks to help me with relaxation and blood flow.
Additionally, with the help of my tribe, I had the pick-me-up support that was much needed during the times when I couldn’t pick myself up. That’s a reason why I’m a huge advocate for cultivating a great support system that will be there way beyond the journey itself.
And if you’re looking for one, please feel free to reach out. I’d love to hear from you.
