If you’ve been following my story, this is Part 7 of a nine-part series where I dive into Bibi Brzozka’s Waves of Pleasure program on Mindvalley. Turns out, the most delicious orgasms happen when you stop chasing them.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve felt aroused with nowhere to go. Herections, included. (Yes, her-ections, a.k.a., female erections, are a thing, and you can read what Bibi says about it in Part 6.)
But it’s not some animalistic, straddle-my-husband-and-go-at-it type of arousal. It’s more of a warm sensation that pools in my southern regions.
Sometimes subtly, sometimes hard and fast. Sometimes it quiets down, sometimes it cranks up the dial.
This, it seems, is what edging is all about.
Who decided pleasure only counts if it ends in orgasm?
“Did you come?”
“Was it good?”
“Did he make you scream?”
More often than not, if your answer isn’t a resounding yes, then the whole thing feels like a letdown.
What’s wild is, a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 90% of men orgasm during partnered sex, but when it comes to women, only 54% do. That’s a 36% pleasure gap, and the study linked it directly to unequal attention to female arousal and clitoral stimulation.
It’s likely why so many of us wonder why we can’t orgasm. The actual story is, we’re just being skipped over, conditioned to rush it, or worse, pressured to fake it just to make the moment feel complete.
But orgasms aren’t one-size-fits-all, as one study of 500 women has found out. The participants described clitoral orgasms as more controllable, while vaginal orgasms felt deeper and more expansive, and many reported other types entirely, like blended, cervical, or even mental orgasms.
The thing is, we live in a culture obsessed with the finish line, and orgasm is the trophy. It’s the thing that makes sex count.
But what about the kind of pleasure that simmers quietly? The kind that lives in the body without needing to climax? The kind that isn’t performative or even visible?
Nobody teaches us how to stay in that. Or no one taught me, anyway… That is, until Bibi came around.
The slow burn of pleasure Bibi Brzozka wants us to feel
“There is a valley experience,” says Bibi, “which is an alternative path of pleasure.”
Excuse me? Alternative path? That’s not…orgasm?
What Bibi’s talking about is the climb to the top, but as you near it, you slide down, kind of like a game of Chute and Ladders. Then you get back on the path and slide down and up and down and up and down…
This, friends, is edging.
“It means stopping yourself from reaching orgasm right when you are at the brink of one,” Bibi explains. “Although it’s usually associated with men as a technique to help them last longer, anyone can benefit from edging.”
And the benefits, they are a’plenty.
In her video on her TikTok channel, relationship and sex therapist Lauren Consul, LMFT, CST, JD, suggests that this practice can help to…
- Extends pleasure over a longer period of time
- Improve stamina for you and your partner
- Builds erotic tension through conscious control and surrender
- Leads to stronger, more intense orgasms
- Adds variety and freshness to your sexual routine
- Heightens sensitivity to subtle sensations
- Deepens physical and emotional intimacy
- Improves communication around desire and boundaries
- Invites playful, confident sexual expression through words
So instead of sprinting towards peak orgasm, you “slow down and intentionally manage [your] levels of arousal,” according to Bibi.
And trust me, staying turned on is its own kind of high.
Aroused and unfinished
Arousal has a habit of showing up when there’s nowhere for it to land. That’s what I’ve noticed anyway five years post-cancer treatments.
And it doesn’t really matter what I’m doing. It could be the most menial thing: doing the dishes, writing my articles, watching the latest zombie-eating series on subscription TV…
Oftentimes, though, I try to suppress it. Not because I want to, but because, sometimes, I have to.
Why? Oh, a list of reasons like my husband isn’t always around for sexy time on demand; pleasure has its own rules in my faith (this deserves a whole article on its own); and life is always finding something to hijack my attention.
Plus, the very thought of a quick, self-directed wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am session that barely lasts 5.4 minutes (yes, science has clocked it) doesn’t exactly scream pleasure to me.
So I sit here, stewing in my own arousal… Suppressing it. Ignoring it. Thinking that’s what I’m supposed to do.
But then something clicked when Bibi said, “There is a valley experience.”
I realized I’d just been looking at these arousals all wrong. Suppression wasn’t doing me any favors. So instead, I should just edge.
All the things I learned in the past six lessons—the breathwork, sound, movement, erotic touch, and all—could help me ride the waves of pleasure. And so when it’d be time for that magnificent Big O, it could be, should be, would be glorious.
“Remember that your body leads the way and trust the wisdom without rushing or having expectations,” says Bibi. “Instead, focus expressing deep gratitude and honoring your body.”
I get it now: Not every wave has to crash to be real. Some waves are meant to carry you for a while.
For the first time in my 40-something life, I’m letting them.