You’re a little down in the dumps. The world feels a little sh*t. And this “I could potentially die” disease called cancer doesn’t help flip the frown upside down.
So what would it take to start feeling worthy?
Maybe a “you got this!” Or a “you are enough.” Or a big ol’ bear hug to reassure you that someone’s got your back.
While these are wonderful neurochemical boosts, how long will it last until you’re blue da ba dee da ba di?
Well, it’s time to crank up the good vibes. Here’s how you can go from self-loathing to feeling worthy, plus insights from clinical psychologist Dr. Adia Gooden.
What is self-worth?
There’s a sense of being good enough when it comes to self-worth. Not for anyone else, but yourself. It’s the understanding and acknowledgment that you, yourself, are a good person who is worthy of love and belonging.
It’s not to be confused with self-esteem, though. “Self-worth is distinct from self-esteem,” explains clinical psychologist Dr. Adia Gooden in her TED Talk. She explains self-esteem relies on external factors, like your abilities and accomplishments.
So what does it mean to feel worthy? It’s more about the internal evaluation of yourself. As Dr. Gooden puts it, “unconditional self-worth is the sense that you deserve to be alive, to be loved and cared for, to take up space.”
Why is self-worth important?
Seeing yourself as worthy helps with your mental health and wellbeing. As a result, you’re more than likely to build resilience.
Now, it’s important to note that people who have a high sense of self-worth don’t necessarily have an easier life than those who don’t. It’s just that they’ve cultivated the skill to hold themselves responsible for their feelings, thoughts, and actions.
They understand that victimhood isn’t the “in” place to be seen. And they know that when sh*t hits the fan, feeling sorry for themselves is like waiting for rain in a drought — useless and disappointing.
Why do you feel unworthy?
The sense of hopelessness and insignificance goes hand-in-hand with the feeling of worthlessness. There’s a disconnect between the self and their authenticity.
There are a number of different factors that cause this unworthiness. It could stem from:
- External validations, like from advertisements or social media
- Negative childhood experiences, like neglect, abuse, or maltreatment
- Attributing negative events to your own actions or characteristics
- Not listening to your intuition, leading to regret and remorse
- Trouble coping with stress
In fact, not feeling worthy is a common symptom of depression. Dr. Gooden believes that low self-worth is a root cause of mental illness. She explains it’s “tied to our accomplishments and possessions, and as soon as we fail or lose approval, we experience low self-worth.”
With depression as a leading cause of disability around the world and with nearly 50 million Americans are experiencing mental illness, it’s no wonder people like Dr. Gooden are leading the way to break the negative thought patterns and live more freely.
How to start feeling worthy
It’ll take more than just looking up “feeling worthy quotes” on Google to boost up your sense of worthiness. Unconditional self-worth could just the ultimate antidote.
So if you’re asking yourself, “how do I make myself feel worthy?”, here are four ways Dr. Gooden advises to do so.
1. Forgive yourself
There’s power in forgiveness. And research shows it’s linked to:
- Lower levels of anxiety and depression
- Fewer health symptoms
- Lower mortality rates
Acceptance of past mistakes releases you from the blame and shame game, allowing you to move forward.
Dr. Gooden’s Tip: Reflect on your past mistakes, acknowledge the pain you experienced, and learn from the situation. Then say “I forgive you” in an honest and kind way.
2. Practice self-acceptance
What makes a person worthy of love? They accept themselves as they are.
No doubt it’s difficult with all the subliminal and in-your-face directives to change our bodies, clothes, jobs, and even our personalities in order to be acceptable in society. It sends the message that we’re not okay as we are.
And when you’re experiencing the aftermath of chemo and radiation, seeing these types of messages may not exactly be the best for your mental health.
Dr. Gooden’s Tip: Let go of the thoughts you have about how you think you should feel, look, and be different. Instead, focus on the things you like about yourself and acknowledge that you’re worthy just the way you are.
3. Be there for yourself
During challenging times, we’re always able to be there for others. However, more often than not, we don’t make the effort to be there for ourselves.
Being present for yourself and being the cheerleader for your own agendas is a huge part of self-worth.
There’s a reason why you put your oxygen mask on before helping others. Because a half-empty cup cannot hydrate more than yourself.
Dr. Gooden’s Tip: When you experience something painful, acknowledge how you’re feeling and offer yourself comfort as you would do for others. Place your hand on your heart and say something kind and soothing to yourself.
4. Connect to supportive people
It can be easy to be isolated with our own thoughts and feelings, especially when we’re in the darkness of cancer. And this often piles onto the feelings of unworthiness.
That’s why social connections is placed highly as part of our nature as human beings. It’s been shown that being part of a tribe can…
- Lower anxiety and depression
- Help regulate emotions
- Boost self-esteem and empathy
- Improve our overall wellbeing
After all, it takes a village, right? Not only to raise a human, but also to support you in your times of need.
Dr. Gooden’s Tip: Opening yourself up to people may leave you with the sense of vulnerability. However, connections, especially with supportive people, helps you get in touch with your humanity and sense of self-worth.
More than just a statistic
I took a beating when I had cancer. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. And feeling worthy was at the bottom of my list.
There were so many times when I broke down, unable to remember why I was fighting for my life. The love I had for myself was dripping out like a leak from a broken bucket.
That’s where my tribe came in. And being surrounded by that kind of love and support helped me get over the dips and the humps of my cancer journey.
There was my mom who did what she knew best — provide nourishment through sage advice and homemade food. My dad who sat there and listened … just listened. My friends who told rarely brought up the subject about cancer because they knew life was more than just focusing on the problem. My stepkids who became my food police, ensuring I was eating as healthy as possible. And my husband who saw me for me and held the space for me to be as emotional as I needed to be.
I found a way to be there for me. And when I couldn’t, I found the people who could.
And with that, I’m sending you all the good vibes you need to start feeling worthy. It’s as Dr. Gooden says: “When you’re grounded in your worthiness…this puts you in a space energetically to receive all of the wonderful things you are wanting in your life.”
