Part 5 of my journey through Kristina Mӓnd-Lakhiani’s From Awesome to Flawesome program on Mindvalley saw me through the valley of forgiveness. Not for others, but for myself.
Forgiveness.
What do I really know about it? Am I quick to do it? Or do I wrestle with it?
I’m often and definitely the latter. And if an event of betrayal results in a deep wound, then forgiving, not to mention forgetting… I might as well try to paint the sky neon green.
But something Kristina said in her lesson that I hadn’t really given much thought to before. “Forgiveness,” she says, “is about you and your well-being.”
The thing is, forgiving someone is one thing. Self-forgiveness is a whole other thing.
And could it be that me not giving myself a break led to a break in my health? It’s an interesting thought to wonder…
What is self-forgiveness?
Sure, the definition can be as simple as “forgiving oneself.” Going a bit deeper, though, it’s about consciously releasing myself from the guilt, shame, or resentment over something I’ve done, failed to do, or experienced.
Which sounds neat on paper. But what does that mean, really? Saying “I’m sorry”…to myself? Does that actually work?
It seems that when we’re angry at someone and we hold a grudge against them, we hold on to that negative energy. And the person that suffers, as Kristina points out, is us.
It’s truly a burden to the entire being.
- Emotionally, it increases anxiety, depression, and logical stress responses such as raised heart rate and blood pressure.
- Physiologically, it’s tied to elevated stress, higher blood pressure, weakened immunity, and even lasting physical issues like heart disease.
- Physically, it degrades collagen, distorts barrier function, and speeds up aging.
- Spiritually, it erodes inner peace and connectedness.
So basically, it’s putting out a death sentence on our health and well-being when we don’t forgive. And that’s forgiveness towards others.
Imagine what we can do with self-forgiveness.
Why we have such a difficult time with self-forgiveness
I’ve often wondered why, when someone hurts me, it’s so hard to just let it go. And then I notice that when I’m the one who causes harm to someone else or to myself, my mind jumps to self-defense mode, piling on justifications.
For instance, getting cervical cancer—I can’t tell you how many times I’ve regretted telling myself, “I’ll do it next time,” or “I’ll practice abstinence” when it came to getting the HPV vaccinations. And this is also me knowing good and well that the vaccine can “prevent over 90% of cancers caused by HPV,” as reported by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
Why? I’m ashamed to say I didn’t want to spend the equivalent of $280 for the vaccine. Sounds silly in hindsight, but…that was my train of thought at that point in time.
The patterns that keep us stuck
So, back to self-forgiveness, why is it one of the most difficult emotional skills to master? Here are some of the biggest drivers:
- We confuse self-forgiveness with letting ourselves off the hook, which can trigger guilt about “not paying the price” or “getting away with it.”
- We hold ourselves to harsher standards than others. Self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff has shown that people often extend kindness and forgiveness to friends but default to severe self-criticism when it comes to their own mistakes.
- Shame is stickier than guilt. The latter says, “I did something bad,” while the former says, “I am bad.” Shame tends to embed itself into identity, making it harder to release.
- We replay the event on loop, and it keeps the wound fresh. Studies show that doing so magnifies negative emotions and delays emotional recovery.
- We think we need to “earn” forgiveness by achieving some form of penance or “proving” they’ve changed, which can delay the process indefinitely.
- Cultural and family conditioning where mistakes were punished harshly or perfectionism was prized. Your default might be self-judgment instead of self-mercy.
- Fear of vulnerability. True self-forgiveness means facing the pain head-on, and our brains are wired to dodge that discomfort in favor of self-protection.
When I look at these patterns laid out in front of me, it’s obvious how easily they can become lifelong habits if I’m not intentional about breaking them. But as Kristina points out, “You can’t love yourself with your imperfections unless you learn to forgive yourself.”
Choosing self-forgiveness over holding on
So, back to what Kristina says: “Keeping a grudge is bad for you because you are not letting go of the negative charge.” I hadn’t really thought about it that way.
Even with my positiveness throughout my cancer experience, I never thought that I was holding on to negative energy. (Come to think of it, this could very well be part of the self-deception I wrote about in Part 2 of this series.)
I know I can’t do much to change the past. That’s a given. But now that I know about the negative energy, it’s definitely something I can work on.
I like some of Kristina’s suggestions:
- Replace doubt with kindness by asking, “Can I forgive myself if I fail? Can I still love myself if I fail?”
- Focus on the “green marker” moments, like noticing what I’m doing well instead of circling every flaw.
- Use a breathing technique like box breathing when regret or shame surfaces, giving my body and mind a chance to reset.
- Expand my comfort zone with small daily actions, including moments of consciously releasing an old regret.
- Reframe failure as proof of growth, not a measure of my worth.
The thing is, self-forgiveness can feel like a ginormous mountain I’m not so sure I want to climb. But then, Kristina says this:
“Sometimes in real life, we get so scared, we get so paralyzed by the big picture, by that horrible scenario that your brain maybe is painting to you about what may go wrong, that we forget to breathe, to make just one step, and to start moving despite the fear. And that is exactly what is called courage.”
Amen to that.
And you?
Maybe there’s a part of your past you’ve made peace with on the surface but still carry in the quiet moments. Or maybe you’ve learned to forgive others easily but struggle to offer yourself the same grace.
If that’s you, I see you. And I’m holding space for the messy work of letting go without rushing, without forcing, and without pretending it’s easy.
So if self-forgiveness is something you’ve been putting off, or if the thought of releasing old regrets feels like too much, send a message. Let’s talk. xo